I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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