Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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