I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
