My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
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