Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
