All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
