you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
