Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
