i just sent this text using only my big toe
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
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that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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