omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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