i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
