I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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