Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
