someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
