a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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