Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
