I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
