Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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