cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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