You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
