Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
