my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
