I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
