I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
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