you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
