I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
