You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
