3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
