did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
