the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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