totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
