I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
