I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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