He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
