It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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