dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
