we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
