At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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