Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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