We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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