dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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