someone get that fucking seahorse.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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