my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
