I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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