threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
