I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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