It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
