so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
