I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
