Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I love how my cats smell like pot.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
