I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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