my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
