My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
