My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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