I wish I only lived at night.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
You should frame my arrest warrant.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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