I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
